figuring out 40

what a week.

How does an entire week go by w/o blogging? Well....it just does. 

Work has been crazy busy - in a mostly good, but definitely chaotic, sort of way. I spent a couple of days in NYC this past week, and was reminded that I am so fortunate to work with amazing people. As we sat at dinner Thursday night at Buddakan, I thought "really? THIS is work?"

The weather has been warm & wonderful. I'm remembering to breathe when things feel overwhelming. I'm enjoying very little pain (can I get an AMEN?), lots of laughter, and regular reminders that life is good. 

 

On Saturday, I got to hang out with TWO awesome girlfriends - first, gin & tonics with Colleen, and then wine & dinner with Miss Beverly. If this weekend was any indication of what summer will be like...I'm very happy.

This will be the summer to SOAR. Mark my words. :)

varying surface conditions.

This is one of those posts that will probably sound better in my head. Stress has been high. Wine has been over-poured. I've done that "losing my words" thing a bit too often. 

I took the above photo last week on a walk with Austin. The sign didn't hold any significance at the time - I just liked the contrast in textures & colors. Now, the sentiment seems like a perfect statement on life right now. Varying surface conditions. 

Before I go further, know this - there is nothing inherently wrong. I'm not depressed. I'm not spending days on the ledge. My gratitude list is long. My tribe lifts me up with perfectly timed calls, texts, and emails. What the terrain looks like around here: 

*Hope turns 21 on Wed. It is the first birthday in her entire life that won't involve me tip-toeing into her room in the morning and whispering "happy birthday baby girl." I thought that I was okay with it, until a few days ago when I couldn't stop the tears and dashed into the bathroom at work.

*I cannot keep up with the amount of yard work & housework that needs to happen around here. Budgets don't allow for a housekeeper or landscaper....so the chores sit undone. I know, more than most, that no one will look back and say "well, Katrina was great, but did you see all the leaves in her yard?? shameful." Still, it lends to a nagging sense of failure & lack. 

*Speaking of failure & lack...getting to know new people at 42 is terrifying, mortifying & exhilarating all at the same time. In one minute, I'm 13 years old with frizzy hair and a butt that looks huge in gym shorts. In the next minute, I'm drafting words that should make Shonda Rhimes offer me a job. I remind myself that this is simply another chapter. It's not the ending. Turn the page.

*I'm spending time in the sunshine as much as I can. Wishing for a couple of these, these, and this for the deck. Going on walks with Austin. Going for walks (with a few steps of running) instead of going to the gym.

*Getting giddy about seeing my tribe at the end of the month. These girls save me. 

Varying surface conditions, indeed. 

words that i love.

fonts - CK Ali's Hand, Indy Pimp, and Bergamot Ornaments. quote - May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein.

looking back & leaning forward.

Oh heeeyyy, last weekend of twenty-twelve! My days tend to blur together at this time of the year, thanks to days off, short workdays, and (let's be honest) wine & sugar indulgence. My big plans of having daily Reverb posts and really deep reflection...well, yeah.

So, I'm taking stock of where I've been, and making plans for where I'm going...

2012 : Twelve Practices - My twelve practices ebbed & flowed A LOT. The bread-making was replaced with the local bread option through my CSA. My exercise practice was consistently derailed by back pain, BUT I still managed to clock enough gym time to satisfy my work-sponsored wellness plan. I still struggle with the calendar practice (which is SO WEIRD for a project manager to say). 

Project Life - I'm finishing up December, and then closing the books on 2012. I am so very, very glad that I kept up with this project. It turned the-year-with-lots-of-challenges into the-year-with-lots-of-memories. I'm super anxious to get started on 2013's albums. 

OLW - I wrote about this on my Reverb blog - here. SHIFT was an amazing one little word experience. 

2012 : Manifesto - This was an awesome guide for the year. I'm planning on making a new one for 2013. 

In the category of "where I'm going"...

Project Life and One Little Word - for sure. 

A Happiness Project - I read The Happiness Project in 2010, and hosted an online book club for it. I loved the book, and the resulting discussions. For 2013, I'm going to be playing with my own Happiness Project as a way of capturing resolutions, goals, & practices. I'm pretty much forcing Barb to join me. I'm also thinking of starting a local "meet-up" group for it...need to get brave for that! 

Book Turn - A new blog! I mentioned a while back that I was thinking about dedicating some virtual space to book reviews. Book Turn begins!

I'm spending the next few days revamping vision boards, working on Project Life, drinking a lot of hot tea, and watching the snow fall. What are you up to? 

a day of rest.

Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future. Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence. Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. - Maya Angelou

I wake up nearly every day in pain. A bad back, a hip injury, nerve damage...all conspire on most days to make me feel like I'm 71, not 41. For the most part, I've built up a tolerance. I move a bit more slowly until I get a handle on it & go about my day.

Yesterday, I couldn't get a handle on it. There was something a bit more insistent about the pain when I woke up. Something that told me that I wasn't going to be able to power through. I mentioned this to Austin, and he said "Mom. Your back has been really hurting lately. I think that your co-workers would tell you to listen to your body. The work will still be there tomorrow." He's a wise one, that boy. And so, I stayed home. I rarely call in sick, so this was kind of a big deal. 

I proceeded to spend the entire day resting. I mentioned my day at home in an email, and described it as "nursing a painful back & an exhausted mind." The link between the two is not lost on me. I didn't clean. I didn't fold laundry. I didn't "catch up" on the list of household stuff that is never-ending. I answered a handful of work emails, but I didn't work. I watched a few episodes of Alias, and the new episode of Private Practice. I took 2 naps. By the end of the day, my back felt SO much better. It's a good reminder that we have to give ourselves space - and permission - to rest and heal body, mind, and spirit. 

around here : sept 27

I adore a right now/currently/around here post just as much as the next blogger. So I'll join in the parade that Ali started today: 

Eating roasted garlic hummus like it's going out of style.

Feeling overwhelmed by the journey, but being reminded that no one can be whole & healed every single day.

Needing a yoga class before I come unglued. 

Wearing a lot of polka dots. And eye shadow. The latter makes Angie so proud. 

Anticipating a ridiculous Grey's tonight...but very much looking forward to my Grey's skype session with Barb.

Listening to Mumford & Sons new album. Lover's Eyes amazes me over & over again. 

Burning candles just about every day. The flickering flame calms me. 

Exchanging "what we're wearing" photos/emails with my Ventage girls* every day...quickly becoming one of the highlights of my day. 

*Ventage girls: Barb, Angie, Em, and Stephanie. Love these girls. Ventage is derived from the verb "vent" and the noun "fromage." We vent a lot and we like cheese. We're clever, eh?

doing what works.

My Monday really wasn't working for me. I delayed (aka procrastinated) several tasks that should have been completed over the weekend, and attempted to do them before work. Like at 5 o'clock in the morning. I am not a morning person. The thing is, even as I was setting myself up to fail...I knew that I was setting myself up to fail. I was then in a foul mood when I failed. Clearly, I thought that I'd surprise myself. 

As the day came crashing down mercifully ended, I was STILL thinking about what I'd done (and not done) to create such a grumpy day. What it boils down to is that I did a few things that really just don't work for me. I know what DOES work, so I'm making a list to remind myself: 

1. Early mornings are not my friend. Do not schedule/expect anything other than basic needs to happen before 7am. 

2. Get enough sleep. The days of working until the wee hours are over. 

3. Sometimes "good enough" is enough. Save super special cooking for dinner parties, not potlucks. (that one applies to yesterday)

4. Keep mascara in your bag. 

5. Clean the kitchen before you go to bed. There is nothing more irritating in the morning than a sink full of dishes. 

6. Make your bed. This is a complete 180° from the last couple of decades when I flat out refused to make my bed. Now? It calms me to come home and have a neatly made bed. 

And a few that I'm working on (some might say shifting my thinking applies here. ahem.)

7. Do better next time. Trust that you're not going to be abandoned when you have an off day. (oh, this is SUCH a therapy topic for me) Second (and 3rd & 4th) chances are allowed.

8. Find a new after work ritual. Explanation - a glass of wine has been my nightly habit for longer than my mother approves of. Since I'm watching carbs a bit, that glass of wine needs to be replaced. With the weather turning cooler, I find myself reaching for a nightly cup of coffee. Not a good idea. I need an alternative. I drink hot tea all day - so that's not it. Any ideas? 

9. MEDITATION. Sit. the. f. down.

10. Buy a new notebook, and make lists. Lots and lots of lists. 

PS. the picture above really has nothing to do with this post - I'm just loving the super blue fall sky lately.

today i : sept 19

Having a weekday off is a strange thing. I had visions of somehow cramming 294,571 activities into the few morning hours that I had free. Instead, I overslept, got Austin to school on time, came home, drank coffee, talked to Becky, went BACK to school to deliver forgotten homework, showered, ate breakfast, and then dashed off to an afternoon of appts. Not exactly as productive as I'd planned, but...

today i made avocado toast for breakfast & enjoyed every single bite. 

today i had an appt with a completely awesome naturopath. Getting back on track, and totally excited about it. 

today i sat through a pro se workshop & got all nostalgic about wanting to grow up to be a lawyer. 

today i finished Happier at Home. I really wanted to like it more than I did. 

today i was grateful (as I am every day) for the amazing women that I get to be friends with. 

today i read a few more pages of Daring Greatly, and loved every word.

What did you do with your Wednesday?

dissecting happiness.

I had a really happy day yesterday...which was awesome, b/c it came on the heels of a mostly happy weekend (mostly only b/c I had a few frustrating moments about a project that I was working on). What struck me is that there was nothing extraordinary about yesterday. It was an ordinary day. Y'all know that I'm pretty addicted to the self-help, so of course I want to analyze what made yesterday happy (y'know, so I can repeat it!). The little things that added up to a happy tuesday...

*enough sleep - I went to bed a bit late on Monday, BUT I adjusted my morning expectations so that I could get a 1/2 hour more sleep.

*good food - TOTALLy simple - a pb/banana/almond milk smoothie for breakfast. Leftover crab risotto for lunch. Really late dinner (post football game) of eggs & toast - but they were local, cage-free eggs (they really do taste better!) and fresh ciabatta bread from my CSA. Yum! 

*new book - I love when pre-orders magically appear on my Nook! Already loving Happier at Home.

*emails from friends - when you sit at a desk all day, emails from friends are a lifeline.

*sending care packages - I love the anticipation of friends receiving happy mail! 

*kindness - a old friend brought me coffee, and sat through most of the football game with me. It was so great to catch up. Another friend took the time to send me a document that I needed. 

*awesome kids - texts from Hope, and a conversation about the American Dream with Austin. Awesome sauce. 

*an empty sink - huh? This weekend, I tossed out the gross, moldy dish drainer that has taken up the left side of the sink forever. Karen talks about the meditative nature of doing the dishes in Hand Wash Cold. I totally get it. 

*this wine - Seriously. I want to buy CASES of it. (oh, and I haven't even tasted it yet. The label sold me.)

*new tune - Everybody Talks. I listened to it approximately 42 times. I'm not kidding. 

What's making you happy these days?

 

today i : sept 1st.

today i woke up to a quiet, empty house...and embraced the silence. it's okay.

today i bought myself flowers. 

today i landed on 44 w/o even looking. I've noticed a lot of repeating numbers lately. 

today i allowed myself to stay in my comfort zone. 

today i was happy with my choice of reading material.

today i am grateful for this boy's help. 

also - today i repainted the chalkboard wall in the kitchen. today i did a senior photo shoot with a really fun girl. today i solved the "out of tortillas" issue by making my own. today i had my first pumpkin spice latte of the season. today i started a photo-a-day challenge with angie. 

today, life is full...and good.