I took the above photo last week on a walk with Austin. The sign didn't hold any significance at the time - I just liked the contrast in textures & colors. Now, the sentiment seems like a perfect statement on life right now. Varying surface conditions.
Before I go further, know this - there is nothing inherently wrong. I'm not depressed. I'm not spending days on the ledge. My gratitude list is long. My tribe lifts me up with perfectly timed calls, texts, and emails. What the terrain looks like around here:
*Hope turns 21 on Wed. It is the first birthday in her entire life that won't involve me tip-toeing into her room in the morning and whispering "happy birthday baby girl." I thought that I was okay with it, until a few days ago when I couldn't stop the tears and dashed into the bathroom at work.
*I cannot keep up with the amount of yard work & housework that needs to happen around here. Budgets don't allow for a housekeeper or landscaper....so the chores sit undone. I know, more than most, that no one will look back and say "well, Katrina was great, but did you see all the leaves in her yard?? shameful." Still, it lends to a nagging sense of failure & lack.
*Speaking of failure & lack...getting to know new people at 42 is terrifying, mortifying & exhilarating all at the same time. In one minute, I'm 13 years old with frizzy hair and a butt that looks huge in gym shorts. In the next minute, I'm drafting words that should make Shonda Rhimes offer me a job. I remind myself that this is simply another chapter. It's not the ending. Turn the page.
*I'm spending time in the sunshine as much as I can. Wishing for a couple of these, these, and this for the deck. Going on walks with Austin. Going for walks (with a few steps of running) instead of going to the gym.
*Getting giddy about seeing my tribe at the end of the month. These girls save me.
Varying surface conditions, indeed.