project life : week ten.
foodie friday (healthy in a hurry)

giving up vs. keep going

be brave and keep going...

(found on pinterest, via Brave Girls club)

I had another frustrating doctor's appt today. When I left the office, I sat in my car crying and emailed my life support team with the subject line "I give up." I don't want to be that person. I don't want to give up. I want to be a warrior. I want to show up, ready to battle. I just don't think that I can manage that today. So, for the moment, I will just say this...

Dear new Dr's office:

I understand that I am "fairly mobile" despite being in pain. I am aware that I can still touch my toes (but for reference? when not in pain, I can fold in half with my forearms clasped & hanging an inch above the floor...thank you yoga). I understand that many other people come in hunched over, unable to sit in a chair. That does not lessen my pain. I would like you to take your "pain scale" and shove it...b/c my 7 might be someone else's 10. 

I am tired of repeating the story again & again & again. Hip pain during/after a half marathon. Self-treated with yoga & exercise & advil. Diagnosed with possible labral tear. MRI did not indicate labral tear. Sudden onset back pain 4 weeks ago. MRI shows bulging disc. Now listen carefully - UNABLE TO SLEEP DUE TO PAIN. 

Please excuse me while I cry as you tell me that the first appt that you have available for the injection (that holds the promise of pain relief) is when I'm traveling. Please understand that I am not trying to be difficult. It's just that I haven't had a full night's sleep in more than a month, and yes, I get that new mommies do that all the time...but I am not a new mommy, and I need to sleep. I have no patience, no filter b/c my brain has not had the opportunity to rest & recharge itself. 

Please also understand that I "get" pain managment. I know the drill. Been there, done that. You'll notice in my chart that I survived a horrific car accident that resulted in a crazy long recovery that involved it's own fair share of pain. I am not looking to score a scrip for pain meds. I can't take the good stuff anyway - see that red alert in my chart? That's a drug allergy. And the stuff that I CAN take? I'm well aware of the potential side effects, and have personal knowlege of the extremes of said side effects (two words: bowel impaction). Trust me, I'm not in it for the narcotics. 

Please know that I sit in meditation every day, trying my best to breath & focus on healing. I slowly work my way into downward dog and then collapse into child's pose b/c it just hurts too much. I try to calm my growing stress about not going to the gym, knowing that my health insurance premiums are tied to activity. 

At the end of the day? Please know that I am trying to be brave & keep going.