I woke up this morning with a bit of that "it's a special day" excitement. I do love the idea of a new year & the possibilities that it holds. New Year's Eve is such a mix of retrospection and anticipation. I've often shared here that I fear that I'll get to the end of my life & say "so what?"...and the end of each year holds a tiny slice of that worry. 2008 is over...so what? What did I accomplish in this year that I can be proud of? What brought me happiness? If you know me at all, you know that I'm not one to go on about blessings...it's not that I'm not grateful for the ways in which I am blessed...it's just that I'm not comfortable going on about them. I think it's the fear that I'll sound like I'm boasting...and that will result in things being taken away. (note to self - put that on the "things to talk about in therapy" list) I'm not ignoring the positive aspects, the blessings, of the year...I promise.
Anyway. I took some time today to read back through posts from 2008, and came to a rather sad conclusion...
2008 was the year that I lost my voice.
I talked alot about Grey's this year (still love it). I complained about the weather (still hate it). I blogged a bit about this, and a bit about that. Some scrappy-ness found it's way in, and I must have mentioned Depth about a million (or ten) times. My kids got bigger, weekends got shorter (how does that work?), and my housekeeping skills remained woefully inadequate.
As the year wore on, I posted less frequently. Popped in occasionally with apologies to my mom for not calling. Made some excuses about being busy. And in all of that? Lowered my voice a little. Kinda kept to small talk...especially in the 2nd half of the year. Lost the voice that makes no apologies for taking care of me. Lost the voice that gets giddy about friends & fun & triple lattes. Even lost the voice that gets angry about stupid, mean people. Just really lost my voice. Here's the thing: 2008 had some great points. Some good times. But it was also a heartwrenching struggle in many ways. As the year winds to a (chilly) close...I just want to be honest about that. 2008 does NOT go into my record books as the greatest year evah. So, let's just get on with it. This is not meant to be a debby downer post (insert that silly sound effect here)...it just is what it is.
So, here's my first (and maybe only) intention for 2009: I will find my voice. I do have blessings to talk about. And some wicked exciting things to share. And I might just have to vent once in a while...with swear words even (sorry Mom). And rest assured, I'll talk about Grey's, and bitch about the weather, and remind you to buy Depth! ....so I hope you'll stick around.
happy new year.